As UNLV’s Ombuds I tend to talk with people who aren’t happy about something or many things. Every case is different, but generally those who visit the Ombuds Office are facing a conflict of some type. One of the biggest questions they have is, “When is it time to do something about it?” And my answer almost always is: now.
Why now? First, because “something” is almost always better than nothing. Second, because things often don’t get better on their own. Third, because doing something, even if it doesn’t substantially shift the dynamics of the situation, almost always makes people feel better.
On the first point: But what if the something I do is the wrong thing? There’s a possibility that it will be, which is my I suggest that something is almost always better than nothing. But that something doesn’t have to be anything drastic.
Think of running a marathon. Would it be great to blaze through at a 7 minute mile average? Absolutely. Is everyone going to do that? No. Some might run slower. Some might even run/walk. The important thing (and I say this with some confidence, having run a few marathons myself) is to keep moving forward. Even if you can’t run, as long as you are doing something to get closed to the finish, you are still in the race. And maybe you don’t finish with the time you had hoped for, but you finished, which makes you as much a marathoner as those who sprinted out of the starting line and never slowed down. That forward progress when you were about to quit is what got you that finisher’s medal.
Being in an unpleasant situation, whether it is sitting in a classroom where you feel the instructor doesn’t like you or working in a unit that doesn’t appreciate you as much as you would like, is in some ways like a marathon. There usually isn’t an easy solution, like calling a Lyft to drive you to the finish. And nobody’s asking you to start sprinting. “Doing something” doesn’t mean filing a formal complaint or even talking to someone about your problem, even though they both might be prudent steps at some point. It starts with your answering two basic questions: Where do I want to be? And what is standing in my way?
Sometimes, after thinking about it, we might see that there is plenty that we can do to help ourselves without involving others. For example, we might realize that where we are isn’t where we want to be, and choose to start looking for something different. Or we might realize that we need to brush up on certain skills. In either case, we are doing something about our unhappiness. And just the act of doing something makes it easier to do the next thing. And the thing after that.
Many people don’t like conflict; I’m one of them, and I work with conflict every day. Disagreeing with other people and having them potentially be angry at you can be unpleasant and even anxiety-inducing. That’s why there’s not wrong with not loving conflict. The issue is that in avoiding a conflict at, say, level three, we inadvertently let things fester until they have reached level six or seven. In other words, in many situations, doing nothing about a conflict or unhappiness doesn’t guarantee that you will avoid conflict, although it can give you some space to think. Rather, it often means that the conflict will escalate to a point where it is unavoidable, and even less pleasant to confront than it would have been in an earlier stage.
While issues sometimes go away on their own, in general, neglect, even if intended as benign, often becomes malignant. Ignoring the problem has real positives—it spares someone the emotional burden of confronting conflict or making a decision—but it often leads to a more painful outcome.
There is one more reason that doing something—almost anything—to start moving forward is better than nothing: it will probably help you feel better. When we are in a conflict, or unhappy, or unable to make a decision, the most frustrating thing can be the feeling that we are vulnerable and at the whims of fate (or our boss). Taking some action, whether it is beginning to document what’s happening, or just sitting down to seriously think about what is going on and consider what to do next, you are doing something, which means that you aren’t helpless. Things might be bad, but you are making a difference. Maybe it’s a small one, maybe one that no one else can even see. But you know it’s there. So you know that you can take the next step, once you are ready.
Even taking a small step forward might not be easy, which is why it is good to have someone to talk with. Someone with whom you can confidentially discuss options, with no judgment or commitment—and no paper trail.
That’s when you can visit me. The Ombuds Office is here for you for a wide spectrum of interpersonal, organizational, and communication issues, whether within groups or as an individual. If you are having an issue and are uncertain where to go, our office is an excellent zero-barrier first stop. There really is no issue too big or too small. You have nothing to lose and quite a bit to gain.
If you would like to talk off-the-record and confidentially about any work- or campus-related concern, please make an appointment with the Ombuds. Our door is always open.
David G. Schwartz
UNLV Ombuds